Thursday, August 4, 2011

Knowing What I Know

I am psychic. There, I've said it. In fact, I grew up in a house of psychics. We just never identified ourselves by that name. But we knew things. We knew lots of things we never said. We knew things and pretended that we didn't. There is power in knowing and that power scared me away from my abilities. I am afraid to be powerful. I am afraid to know what I know. Because when I know the truth, I have to live it. I have wasted a lot of energy trying not to know what I know. Pretending for the sake of acceptance, which by the way, never came.

I grew up profoundly lonely because of my clairvoyance, but I was never given permission to feel my loneliness because there was nothing apparently broken about my childhood. I had a stable home life with enough to eat, a roof over my head and opportunities to grow. And I have always known that I am loved profoundly by my family.

But knowing things as a child is really painful when no one believes you. When they write you off as too sensitive or too young to have a grasp on the more complex pieces of life. My family likes to tell the story of my father having to turn me upside-down at the back of a church at a wedding when I was four-years-old because I was choking on a lifesaver. The groom turned out to be an alcoholic and child molester. Coincidence? When you read energy, it sure has a way of expressing itself.

Photo by Kathleen Keagy
Friends were a challenge. I vibrated on a different frequency and could only pretend to be like them. Until I entered college and found myself among artists, I didn't fit at all. And when I entered the relationship phase of my life, clairvoyance nearly drowned me. Nobody wants you to see what they are hiding, and it wasn't the best use of my talents to try to be clairvoyant for my partners. I gave away a lot of my energy trying to nuture them.

I have kept my abilities under wraps for a long time, but when my daughter was born five years ago my ability to see things turned up a notch. Well, to be more accurate, my ability to hear things (since I tend to hear words rather than see images) expanded after developing a sensitivity to her energy inside me. I started reading books about being highly sensitive, but they made me feel broken, confirming all the garbage I had internalized as a child about something being wrong with me because I felt so much. And I spent a lot of time on the Internet researching the phenomena I was experiencing and looking for affirmation. 

After struggling in near silence for three years, I found a good teacher who is not only a trained psychic, but one of the most grounded people I know. (That's one of the stereotypes about people with psychic abilities--that we don't have our feet on the ground.) Found her intuitively, of course. And sitting in Kris Cahill's psychic meditation classes, I no longer feel alone or unusual. So that's why I'm making the point to say it publicly. I am clairvoyant and psychic. There are so many voices that want to make you feel bizarre for being sensitive to energy (because that's really the heart of being psychic), but I'm not falling for it anymore. As a friend once told me, “There's nothing really special about it. There are a lot more of us than you think.”

So go ahead and add me to the tribe.

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